As in, Cancer. The pancreatic kind.
I am sad. And angry. And overwhelmed.
It all started just after Christmas. She told me she was having some stomach pain and that she was going to the doctor. And really, all the details are kind of a blur, but the bottom line is we found out last week that she has pancreatic cancer. And they can't do surgery. And I need to write the "d" word. But I don't want to.
If any of you know me (and let's be honest, a lot of you do), you know this is very, very bad. I love my mom so much it hurts sometimes. She is my best friend apart from my BFF, Yvette. We do lots of things together. I talk on the phone with her almost every day.
And so this whole thing has really sucked.
So to put it out there, since they can't do surgery, they've given her a lovely window. 5-9 months. Isn't that horrible? I hate to see it even written down like that. I'm going to write it again and scratch it out:
So I'm sad. I know I said that already, but it needs to be said again. And again and again.
And you know what? Through all this, my mom, in typical "Weezie" fashion, is a champ. She is joking and laughing, and crying just a little teeny bit, but laughing through the tears even as they fall. We've talked about the details of what she wants. Like in the end, and after. And it's hard, but good all at the same time.
I don't know that I can write any more about this today. But I wanted to put it out there. My mommy is dying. And she will take a little piece of me with her. I just hope she comes back and haunts the hell out of me. Because I love her.
(Not such a) Happy Day, folks. . .
Aw, hell. I am so sorry. I want to swear a lot more but I know this is a family blog. HUGS and more HUGS to you.
ReplyDelete(the other) Carolyn
Hey Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but I happened to see your comment on the Bloggess's site. She is sending me a red dress in the next week or so for my BFF, who is 31 and was diagnosed over Christmas with stage III rectal cancer. (What IS IT with cancer, 2012?? NOT A NICE YEAR!!) Anyway, I thought that maybe you and your mom might like the red dress after we are done with it here in DC? We won't be done with it until March at the earliest, I think, due to Melissa's treatment schedule. If you would like it and that will work for you guys, please send me an email and we can work it out. I just ask the same thing that Jenny asked when she said she was sending it our way- wear it, love it, and send it on to the next person in need. My email is leeleerc@me.com
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom!!
Sincerely,
Leah
Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteI also followed you here from the Blogess’ site. (Not in a stalker-type way, but in a click-the-link-on-the-comment type way). I don’t know you, and I can’t offer you anything, but I just want you to know that I’ll be thinking of you and your mom, and keeping you both in my prayers. When my family went through a super awful health crisis a few years ago, it helped me a lot when people would tell me that. So I’m hoping it brings you some measure of comfort to know that there are more people than you know who are holding you in their hearts.
Take care,
Christie
Thanks for your kind comments! If you look at my most recent post, you'll see I am doing a bit better! :) Christie thank you for the prayers. You are right, it is very helpful to know that. Carolyn - thank you girl xoxo. And Leah. That is awesome about the dress! Seeing as we are *just* in the beginning process of all this, I don't know what to expect. So I tell you what. If we want it, I will email you. If you still have it, awesome. If not, that's ok, because I know you will forward it to someone else. And then we will find our own. Because my mom totally deserves a super cool red dress moment of her own! :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteCarolyn,
ReplyDeleteYou do what works best for you guys- just let me know. I know you are going through ups, downs, and totally uncharted territory right now. We'll have the dress through the end of this month at least. All the best to you and your mom!
Leah
Aww honey I'm so very sorry. Big (((((hugs)))) I know how awful and sad and scary it is when someone you love and are close to gets that kind of awful diagnosis. I wish I had some kind of awesome words to share but I don't so I'll just say my thoughts are with you and you're not alone.
ReplyDelete