Friday, March 25, 2011


OK, so I don't know who has it.  And I'm scared I'll never get it back. 

As you all know, I posted about how I'd lost my mojo, right?  That I was having trouble writing and all.  And now I know why.

So my mojo is soooooo very gone, that I didn't even bother checking my blog email address for quite a while.  This is partially because I lost my mojo, but also because I get tired of seeing how much money I am not making because I'm too afraid to respond to all those fabulous email offers I get from people who are telling me that I won the Canadian lottery or that some diplomat in Africa has died and wants to split his fortune with me 60/40.  If I would be brave and respond to these, I'm just oh so sure I'd be really freaking rich.  Sigh.  Oh and I'm also really lazy. In fact, I was almost too lazy to type that I'm really lazy.  That's pretty sad.

Anyway, so I finally decided to open my email and check out my inbox, right?  And I noticed an odd email address.  I won't put the whole email address, but the main gist of it was CookieMonster@xxxxxxx .  And the subject line read simply: 

ransom note


First I called out for Joshua to make sure he was in the house.  And he was.  So that's very good.  Because I'm not really sure how I'd explain to Jamey that somehow our son was kidnapped.  By Cookie Monster.  Then I wondered if someone had taken Quincy.  I debated on whether to go look out the front door for him, because let's be clear here: he is still uprooting whole azalea bushes and bringing them to our front door.  Like a cat.  I seriously think he is learning disabled.  However, I started to feel guilty, so I went, albeit very slowly, to the front door.  And dang it.  He was there.   And oh thank the good lord, he was there.

I wasn't going to even open the email, but of course, curiosity got the best of me.  I admit it.  I was hoping I'd won a lifetime supply of cookies.  Because let's face it.  That's better than any humongous monetary gift I could get from someone in Canada or Africa.


And so THIS is what I found when I opened it:

Yes, that is the actual, real live ransom note.  SO DON'T TOUCH IT!  You might get fingerprints on it or something.  Anyway, my first reaction was to be really pissed.  Because it took me about five minutes to be able to look at it long enough to actually read what it said. (Sensory overload.  Or laziness.  Probably laziness.)

But then my second reaction was to laugh my ass off.  (Not really.  It's still there.  I even checked because I was sure it fell off when I laughed.  No such luck.  Dammit.)  Because it says:

Dear Carolyn We have your mojo. Put one dozen freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and a matchbox car in a brown paper bag. Wait for further instructions.

Funny, right?

But wait a minute.  They have my mojo!  That is horrible!

I am sitting here thinking several things about this obviously serious ransom note.  First off, why does Cookie Monster always want chocolate chip cookies?  Doesn't he know about oatmeal raisin ones?  Or peanut butter cookies?  Or snicker doodles?  Or my all-time favorite homemade ginger/molasses cookies that are so fabulous I could almost die?  Especially when eaten with a lovely cup of coffee or tea?  I mean, really CM.  You totally need to branch out.

Second, what's up with the matchbox car?  I hope CM doesn't think that's how he'd make his getaway.  Or do you think maybe he collects them?  Because if so, I don't want to get him a duplicate or anything, because that would just be rude. 

And third, why a brown paper bag?  A brown paper bag is so generic, he might miss it.  Doesn't he want it to be something super spectacular?  Maybe even a Sesame Street gift bag?  Because then he could easily identify it as his ransom bag, you know?  Instead of, say the Mario Brother's ransom bag.  Or Darth Vader's ransom bag.  Just saying.

So dear readers, I sit here before you, and I finally have an explanation of why I've only written three (and once I publish this one, four) blog posts this month.  And why I haven't written on my book, like, at all, this month.  

I also have a question for you.  Do I take the bait?  Do I tell CM I've got his stinkin' chocolate chip cookies and matchbox car in a plain brown paper bag?  I think the answer to that is very clear.  HELL YES.

So my open letter response is as follows: 

Dear CM, (whoever you are)

I've got your stuff.  I'm waiting for further instructions.  I pray to God you answer me back, because I WANT MY MOJO.  And something to do.  (Not really, because I'm lazy, but the readers might enjoy it.) But don't make it dangerous for me.  I've got a kid, remember?  I'd say I'd sick my dog on you, but I'm afraid all he would actually do is drool on you.  Unless I can figure out how to make you smell like an azalea.  Then you might appear at my front door before my very eyes one day.  Because don't forget.  He's like a cat.

Either way, please feel free to contact me again.  Thx.

Don't you think readers?  Contact, yes?  AWESOME.

Happy Day folks!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Where's My Mojo?!?!?!?!?

Oh my goodness.  I lost my writing mojo!

That is scary.  I really have enjoyed my blogging and writing on my book.  And all of a sudden, for the past week or two, it has just disappeared!

I know what you will all think when I tell you what I'm about to tell you, but I swear, it has nothing to do with it.  And since I've probably confused you all with that last sentence I just wrote, let me just blurt it out and then I'll explain.

I was not one of the writers chosen as a finalist for the unpublished novel contest I entered and told you all about a while back.

And so I bet you think that's why I lost my mojo.  But it's not true, I promise.  I knew I wouldn't win that contest at all.  Because remember?  I decided that my first effort at writing was trash.  And that's OK.  My second attempt is fun, but I am starting to think it might not be so great either.  Why, you ask?

Well I've been paying closer attention to the books I enjoy reading, and since I like reading them, they would also be the type I'd like to write.  I figure that's natural, right?  But I have noticed things about these books that I don't have in my own.  I really write quite a bit of dialogue.  I don't spend as much time inside the person's head I'm writing about.  Examining it and putting it to paper. 

I also don't do a whole lot of describing places and items and moods, etc.  So I realize I have some work to do on that front.  I am sure some writing workshops would help, or maybe a writing class at VCU or something.  But I don't know that, that is possible right now.

Does it mean I'm going to stop writing?  Gosh I hope not.

When I first started writing this blog, and then my first book attempt, I didn't care about how many people followed it or anything.  It was just a place to write down whatever I wanted to write, and the heck with the rest of the world. 

Then I started looking at how many "hits" I was getting a day.  And that was fun.  And it made me want to do more.  So I started writing funnier posts.  (Well I thought they were funny, anyway.)  And I have gotten some of my all-time highest months of hits as a result.  Good, right?  Sure.  But as time has gone on, I've realized that although I like writing humorous posts, it's not the only thing I have to write about.  Then I started obsessing about it because I really like getting a lot of hits and getting more and more people to read my blog.  And so if I can't think of anything funny to write, then I don't write anything.  Which means sometimes, the blog just sits there.  And if it were cheese, it would get moldy.  And that's just gross.

So although I might end up seeing my "popularity" drop (Bahahahahahahaha!!!!), I am going to try really super hard to go back to what I want to write about.  So if it's funny one day, cool.  If it's not funny another day, well - tough tookies, peeps.  It's my freakin' blog anyway!

I couldn't figure out why I was uninspired, and when I sat down today, I actually hadn't planned on writing anything.  I was just going to go back and look at some old posts and stuff.  But then this just kind of happened - you know, crap just spilling out of my fingers and showing up on the computer screen.  So I guess I had it on my mind and didn't even know it.  I'm glad I'm getting it out of my brain, because even though I didn't realize it was in there, it certainly must have been taking up some kind of precious real estate in there.  Unfortunately, most of the time, my brain is full of stuff like this.  Kind of like an "as is" property.  Better off just demolishing it and starting over with an empty lot.  My husband would say my whole brain is actually usually an empty lot.  I bet this is making absolutely no sense to you all, but it's pretty funny to me right now.  (And probably not to my husband.  But for entirely different reasons.)

So I am going to try for this month not to worry about whether I topped last month.  It's been stressing me out, to be honest.  And I'm going to try to just enjoy what I'm writing about.  And then maybe look around for a writing workshop or something to attend.  Because even though I'm a little hazy on why this is a good idea to keep writing right now, I know it really is.  So I've got to do something to keep the momentum going.  And I don't want to resort to writing in the nude or anything crazy.  (And believe me, if you are some kind of perv reading this right now, your mental picture of me writing naked should be enough to scare the bejesus out of you and keep you from ever clicking on my blog again.  Seriously.)

Happy day, folks!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I'm Going to Make Millions With the Song I Just Made Up!

I am a songwriter.

Because my post yesterday was a bit depressing, I decided to cheer you all up today with a song I made up.  Joshua and I have sung it all day.  It's about our lovely yellow lab, Quincy.  Here it goes:  (sung to the tune of You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch)

You're a goofball, Mr. Quince.

You realllllly aaaaaarrrrre silllleeeee!

You are slobbery and so smelly;

You're disgusting and so vile, Mr. Quuuuiiiii-Iiince!

You keep away from me with your - nasty drool striiiiiiiiiiiing!
I know it's short. But it's all true. Plus, I think it's super catchy.

Update 3/5/11 - OK and so I just listened to the message after this guy's rendition of the Grinch song.  And with all due respect?  I think it's totally about the cartoon.  Just sayin'.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

It's Just Not A Funny Day

I am mired down in so much junk this week.  I have a lot to do.  I have bills to pay, a budget to prepare, clothes to wash, dishes to unload/load in the dishwasher, appointments to make, groceries to buy, blog posts to write, a book to write on, and about a zillion other things to do that I am not listing here because I've already depressed myself with what I just typed.

So why am I not getting it done?

Well two reasons.  (And at least this one thing on my list is being done.  This morning.  In secret.)

Reason number one.

My little guy is sick.  He's been sick since Monday afternoon.  He is running a temperature.  I took him to the doctor yesterday, but his strep test came back negative.  So that's good.  But he's missing school.  And I feel really bad for him because they are doing "Countries Around the World" this week.  He went to France on Monday and had his "passport" stamped.  And this morning he woke up and asked if he could go to school.(I know all you experienced moms out there.  I need to write this down and enjoy it because that will go away the second he steps foot into Kindergarten.)  I had to tell him no.  We were laying in his bed together when I told him.  And it broke my heart, because he cried.  Hard.  He wants to go to all the other countries too, and get his passport stamped.  I wanted to cry too.

So I did what any other mom would do.  I called the school this morning and asked if they could send home some of the activities they've been doing.  And I'm going to find out some of the other things they did in class.  And by gosh, Jman will "visit" all these other countries.  I'll make some kind of treat for him to have from each country, and figure out a few phrases to go over, and find some kind of stamps for in his "passport".  I just wish he could be doing it with his friends.  But it will be better than nothing, right?

But having him home with me sort of puts a damper on doing some of the stuff I need to get done.  Because of course, he's not feeling so very bad that he's just sleeping.  And don't get me wrong, I don't want him to feel that way, really.  He still wants to play.  So it's rounds and rounds of playing little figures, coloring, games, etc etc.  And from time to time, I sneak in to get something done.  Who knew playing little figures would be tiring to a grownup?  But it can be. 

And so then that leads me to:

Reason number two.

And reason number two is that I'm feeling a little "off".  I assume some of that is because I'm out of the ordinary routine of things.  So I get that.  I am stressed too.  Joshua is supposed to have a small surgical procedure tomorrow that will remove the remaining tube from one of his ears.  He got tubes in when he was about 18 months, and one of them just is not going to come out on its own.  So if he is healthy enough he'll go.  If he's not, he won't, but then he'll still stay home from school for being sick.

And we may even think he's fine and go to the hospital only to have to come home because of something they find.  Who knows?  But that is stressful to me.  Once I have it in my mind that something is going to happen at a certain time, it needs to happen then.  Or else. 

Or else it doesn't, but it makes me very grumpy.  And anxious.  And stressed.  Am I the only one who feels that way? (If I am, someone please lie to me and tell me it's totally normal.  And even if I ask you if you are lying, don't tell me.  Unless I threaten you with bodily harm.  Then you might want to tell me the truth.  And then run.)

So I know I've got a big mountain of "Oh My God, I'm Never Gonna Catch Up On All This Crap" to do.  And what did I tackle first?  The blog post.  Because frankly, if I don't write about this, I'll explode.  Or just sink further down in the pit of "I'll never get to all this".  And that's not a fun place to be.

I know most of my posts recently have been more on the funny side.  I just ain't feeling all that funny today.  But don't despair.  I'll get out of this.  It helps to write it down.  You know.  And share it with the entire world.  So now you all know I'm depressed.  Isn't that fun?

I'm staring at this pile of bills.  I guess I'll go there next.  After another round of little figures.  I think that's another reason I get depressed.  Joshua never lets me drive the firetruck or the ambulance.  Maybe if he naps today, I'll take them in the other room and play with them by myself.  And make all the sirens go.  And use the little stretcher the right way instead of pretending it's another car.  Because that's how you're supposed to use it.  IT'S NOT A CAR.  IT'S A STRETCHER.


The sun'll come out. . .

PS - I know the other day I asked for ADD meds.  But today, if you feel like mailing me something, can you send me some anti-depressants? Just label it so I don't get them mixed up with the ADD meds.  Or maybe not.  It could be interesting. . .