I Love Witty Sarcastic Obnoxious Sayings

Do you all remember back in October when Jamey and I went to the Boars Head Inn in Charlottesville, VA?  And I had that whole day to myself?  I wish I had another one of those couple of days.  Sigh.

But that's not the point of this post.  The point of this post is that while I was there, I was toodling around Charlottesville, and I ended up in some little store.  I think it was the gift shop of Michie Tavern.  I had considered eating lunch there, but it cost, like, $500.  And though that figure is slightly exaggerated, I just really didn't think the money they wanted for me to eat there was worth it.  Even if the wait staff was dressed up in Colonial costumes. 

Oh shoot.  That's not the point either.  OK.  The real point is that while I was in the gift shop, I spotted some signs.  Signs that I found to be so amusing that I pulled out my phone and typed them all in there in a note.  I thought I might use the sayings in the book I am currently writing, but when I ran across the note in my phone the other day (because, of course, I forgot about it), I knew I probably wouldn't actually use them for my book after all.  So then I sat there and wondered what I would use them for, and I didn't come up with a really good answer until today, when a friend sent me a funny little email that reminded me again of my note.  And I thought, well, why not share them with you all?  Maybe give you a little laugh. 

So before I type these out, I just want to say that I hope I don't get in trouble for posting these.  I am not saying in any way, shape or form that I came up with them.  I think I made that pretty clear in my opening rambling paragraphs.  So if you want to sue me or something because I typed them on here, please don't.  For one thing, I have a little kid.  That alone should stop you.  I'd like to give you another really good reason, but frankly, I can't think of any.  So for my loyal readers, should you find one day that I suddenly stop posting, it's probably because I am in jail for some sort of copyright infringement.  I just hope I can serve whatever sentence is imposed on me without becoming somebody's bitch. . .

OK, so here they are (fingers crossed and praying for no jail time as I do this):

Dear God, for 2011, please make my bank account fat, and me thin.  Please don't mix the two up like you did last year.

How about a nice tall glass of Never Gonna Happen?

I don't make mistakes, I just date them.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

Cancel my subscription, I don't want your issues.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Then, while I was thinking about this, I decided to do some Internet research.  You know.  For my book.  And I found some more.  I only took a couple, but there are a ton on the website.  Here they are:

Don't be humble.  You're not that great.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the rest of the world.

I like you.  People say I've got no taste, but I like you.

Sometimes I need what only you can give me.  Your absence. (one of my personal favorites. . .)

OK and so since I know where these came from, I'll put a link to the website:  Sarcastic Quotes.

This brings me to my final little bit about these awesome sayings.  First of all, if these are really old and you've heard them all before and now you're bored, I'm super sorry. (Not really.  I'm just trying to be polite.)  Second of all, and this is my final point:  WHY CAN'T I EVER COME UP WITH THESE SAYINGS WHEN I NEED THEM!?!?!?!?!  I can be sarcastic, but not like that.  It would be fun to pull out a zinger like that now and then wouldn't it?  Instead I come up with the tried and true. . .no response. 

I think I'm off to do some memorizing for future use.  Happy day everyone!