The people who have my mojo, that is. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you need to read this. Then come back here.
I opened up my email the other day. And this is what I found: (Oh - and with a new email address. Sneaky little kidnappers, aren't they?)
Subject: ransom instructions, PART I
Bake one dozen cookies. Fresh. From scratch. None of that crappy grocery refrigerator gunk. While still warm, gently wrap in a periwinkle blue, 14" by 38" pashmina. Tie with a 4-foot long feathered boa, melon green. Place in an extra large Thalhimer's shopping bag, circa 1992, using organic cotton batting for cushioning. (to be continued) (Read your blog. You want creativity? Well, you mess wid me, I mess wid u.)
First, may I just say, in all sincerity. . .
Whoever you are: I love you. In a totally creepy, stalkerish kind of way. Just sayin'.
So after I laughed my ass off, I mulled it over for a few days. Because really, you shouldn't rush into this stuff. You could get hurt, or not think of anything good to write back at least. So after mulling, I realized I had a few questions. So Mojo kidnapper dude (or dudette):
1. Are you still wanting plain old chocolate chip cookies? Or are you now interested in my scrumptious molasses ginger cookies that will make you weep with happiness? And if I'm gonna go through all the trouble of baking you fresh cookies, you better not keep changing your mind.
2. Do you want me to save you some of the raw cookie dough too?
3. What if they aren't hot by the time you pick them up? I mean, I'm not sure how to keep them warm. I know pashminas are lovely, cozy things, but let's face it. They'll only hold in heat for so long. Will the deal be off if they aren't hot?
4. Speaking of pashminas, those suckers can be quite pricey. Can it just be a periwinkle blue long-sleeved shirt I found at Target in the 50% off section?
5. The Thalhimers bag is proving to be quite the challenge. I've looked on Ebay and posted it as a wanted item on Craig's List. If you don't believe me, then look at this.
6. What about that Matchbox car?
7. Does organic toilet paper count for bag filler? It's cottony.
I thought I was all done, but I have one more question. Can I bake more than one dozen of the cookies and just eat the rest myself? No one but you and I have to know about that part. I can eat them all while my family is at work or preschool. And I can stick Quincy in the yard. (shhhhhhhhhhhh) And actually, I wouldn't have to really put Quincy in the yard. He's kind of dense and probably wouldn't notice it if his mommy ate four dozen cookies in one sitting.
Does anyone else have any thoughts or questions I should be asking? Oh dear - I just thought of something- like, the most important thing that anyone does when a loved one has been kidnapped. Ready?
I NEED SOME PROOF THAT MY MOJO IS OK AND ALIVE AND NOT DEAD OR MAIMED OR WEARING ANY UGLY CLOTHES. BECAUSE ALTHOUGH I WEAR LOTS OF BC OUTFITS (aka birth control outfits), MY MOJO IS ALWAYS DRESSED TO THE NINES.
I mean I'm right, right? Of course I am. OK. So I will wait along with all my lovely readers to see what the second part of the ransom demand is. (I'd twiddle my thumbs and whistle while I wait, but I suck at whistling.)
Happy day everybody!