Monday, April 11, 2011

Oopsie! I Made a Mistake and I NEED Some Suggestions!

Yes.  I made a mistake.  And I thought I'd share it with you all.  Because I'm nice that way and want to make you all feel better about yourselves.

My mother has a lovely little saying that I'd like to think is true about myself.  But it isn't.  But it might be for my mother.  Her saying goes like this:  Once I thought I made a mistake. But - I was wrong.

So here is my mistake of the moment.  Because I make LOTS of mistakes. 

See, I was looking on HGTV.com this afternoon because I was "watching" a show while I was on the treadmill at the gym today.  But I wasn't listening to it, because I had my headphones plugged into my iPod so I could listen to music instead.  And text my friends.  I do that all the time.  HGTV is the easiest to watch and follow what's going on for me, because you can see what the gist is of what they are doing without having to listen to what they are saying.  Besides, it's better than watching the Food network like all the skinny girls do.  That's totally unfair.  Let me see. . .let me watch a show about a bunch of delicious looking, fattening foods while I am trying to lose weight, get fit and eat healthier.  Just. Doesn't. Work. For. Me.  Plus, I like multitasking.

Anyway, so HGTV was on, and I was watching these people get a total home makeover.  And I was totally jealous.  Because our home should be on there.  I couldn't understand why these people were.  The mom and the older daughter both had expensive looking fake nails.  They had on designer clothes.  And the mom had an engagement ring the size of Wisconsin.  (I have no idea why I just picked Wisconsin.)  And the house was enormous.  It totally looked like they could pay for their own home makeover.

And I was thinking about my house, and the fact that the kitchen looks disgusting, etc etc.  Plus it looks like I am a professional interior designer for nursing homes.  My house has on a big BC outfit.  Just like my own BC outfits.  (If you haven't been following my blog, you can look up BC outfits.  I've talked about them before.  I don't want to talk about them anymore, because frankly, I still wear them a lot and it just makes me sad.)

So I went online when I got home and tried to look up the show so I could see why in the world HGTV would pay rich people to redo their homes instead of pathetically poor people like myself.  And I couldn't find the show.  But I did find this:  

Do You Have an Ugly Kitchen? Selected Homeowners Could Get a Free Remodel!

And it had a link, and I got all excited.  I clicked on the link, and it asked for an email explaining why you wanted a makeover, pictures of the ugly kitchen, and contact information.  This is the actual email I sent:
 
To: HGTV Peeps
 
Subject:  If I Spend One More Minute In My Ugly Kitchen. . .
 
Hi.
 
So here's the deal. I hate my kitchen. Seriously. We moved to this house three years ago because we needed a REAL neighborhood for our son Joshua. So he wouldn't grow up thinking he was the only child in the WORLD. We had just remodeled our previous house. We had a GORGEOUS kitchen. It had real cherry cabinets, granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, beautiful wood floors and a spectacular backsplash that my husband slaved over. It really was a dream kitchen.
 
Then we moved.
 
And I threw up in my new kitchen.
 
OK, not really. But I wanted to. Because it's ugly. It's not, like 1960's/70s ugly. But the back splash is poorly done. The melamine cabinets are gross, and they are starting to delaminate. The floor is a putrid ceramic tile that is not only ugly, but was also put in very poorly. So poorly, in fact, that you feel like you are walking on the ocean because it's so WAVY. Oh. And the dishwasher doesn't work.
 
And my husband and I just can't face another renovation. I spend lots of time in here every day. And it depresses me. You don't want me to stay depressed do you? I mean I'm nice. And kind of cute. And I'll even make it look uglier if you need me to. But you must help me. You must make me not depressed. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE ME HAPPY. And to not want to throw up in my kitchen anymore. Even the dog throws up in here. I think he is depressed too. Look at him in the pictures and tell me you don't want to help him. If after looking at his picture, you don't want to help us, our nausea will be on your consciences forEVER.
 
So please help me. And the dog. We want a pretty, bright, lovely kitchen. This kitchen is big. And blah. And has so much potential. But its homeowners (my husband and myself), have neither the time, money, nor patience to see another kitchen renovation through again without some serious help. And Joshua is only five. And child labor is illegal. Oh and if it helps, my husband is super cute and very handy and could be very helpful to you. Just sayin'. But he won't let me hold a paintbrush. But I can hammer and stuff.


HELP US!

Sincerely,

Carolyn Davidson

Honest-to-Gosh Princess and Domestic Goddess

Follow my Blog. Or Else. http://carolynsfamilyblogspot.blogspot.com

*******

I was sure I was going to get a kitchen makeover.  I started dreaming about telling Jamey we were going to get to finally redo our kitchen.  And for FREE!  Then I realized that they asked for contact information.  So I emailed them.  Again.  And this one had my original email, but at the top I included the following:

Sorry - I was so excited about the possibility of not upchucking in my kitchen anymore, that I forgot to give you my contact info:

*******


And of course I included my contact information just like they asked.  Are you thinking that was my mistake?  Actually, it was a mistake.  But not the mistake.  Here is the description of who they are looking for, for this lovely kitchen makeover:
 
Magnetic Productions is currently searching the Los Angeles, Denver, Oklahoma City, New York City, Chicago and Dallas/Fort Worth areas for fun, outgoing, enthusiastic homeowners who have ugly kitchens in need of a makeover for a new television series!

The to-be-announced project features kitchen design remodels in various towns and cities across the country and the show is scheduled to air later this year. Homeowners with great personalities and who are willing to turn over creative control to a design team could get a complete kitchen remodel — for free!

Please send an e-mail with your contact information, what you hate about your kitchen, along with photos to *******.***

*******


Sounds great right?  Yes.  Yes it does.  Except now I need to figure out how to move my house from out of VIRGINIA to somewhere in Los Angeles, Denver, Oklahoma City, New York City, Chicago or Dallas/Fort Worth.  Any suggestions?
 
Happy day everyone!

3 comments:

  1. If we didn't just get a new kitchen, I'd want to enter for the Denver contingent.

    *sigh*

    PS: I'm sure we can figure out a way to move your house. Anything is possible, right?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Think of all the money you just wasted. That totally sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I say that anything is possible in Hollywood! I would totally be happy to help create a backdrop to put outside your windows to make America THINK you live in Denver- I'd even be wiling to walk around and come visit in ski pants!! You just have to think outside the box (or the geographical area that is...).

    ReplyDelete

Wanna say something? Cool. But I reserve the right to make fun of you if I want to.