It must be said that Andrea has really helped get my blog started. She gave me some really great advice when I was super new, and I will be eternally grateful to her. So much, in fact, that I am thinking of sending her Joshua for his entire summer break every year. I bet she is so excited at that prospect, and I am sure she'll love it. . .
Now on to the interview!
Welcome Andrea! (everyone should be clapping politely and imagining a talk show here. Don't forget to be really impressed with the set.)
1. Of course, as you may know from reading the comments I leave for you on your blog, I often spew coffee out of my nose after reading one of your posts, because I am laughing and drinking at the same time. I must ask you: do you enjoy torturing people this way? And have you ever thought of adding some kind of warning about this to your blog header?
I wouldn’t say I enjoy it so much as I relish it with a gusto typically reserved for having double helpings of pasta carbonara with extra bacon slathered all over my body. I won’t be changing my header anytime soon, unless I get trapped under Photoshop and can’t get up. I got one of those Life Alert things, just in case.
2. You know I am going to see Anderson Cooper this weekend. Would you like me to deliver any type of personal messages to him for you?
Please tell him that I’ve framed the restraining orders because Hobby Lobby was having an awesome sale last week. And then tell him we have matching hair although only my hair stylist could prove it but he won’t because I would punch him in the throat first. My stylist, not my Anderson. Make sure you tell Anderson I won’t punch him. Oh, and then tell Anderson that he and I could call each other “Andy” without having to legally change our names and fill out all that stupid paperwork on our honeymoon. Or I could call him “Sam” and he could call me “Suzie” and we could be muskrats and brag that once upon a time in the seventies, a mute captain and his wife with freakishly large teeth recorded a song about us because they knew that we were destined to be together. And then kiss him on the nose for me. Are you writing all this down?
(Andrea, I did write all this down. And I slipped this information into his pocket, along with your blog address. Don't be surprised if you start getting flowers from a "secret admirer" very soon. wink wink nudge nudge)
3. When you started your blog, did you think it would actually turn out as funny as it is? Or are you actually being serious when you write and people just *think* you’re trying to be funny?
I had no idea in what direction I was going when I started my blog three years ago. Originally I thought it was going to be a platform for my digital design work, hence the name The Creative Junkie. If I had known that I was going to end up writing about my orange pee and cold sores and my puppy’s poop and my husband’s genitalia, I’d have called it something different, like, maybe, FOR SHIT’S SAKE, WHAT THE HELL? All in caps because I’d be shouting it for any readers who were hard of seeing.
(I missed the orange pee post. Now I'm going to have to go look that up. Somehow, I bet it's fabulous. I'm assuming if I search your blog site with orange pee, it'll pop right up.)
4. I wish I had a super cool name for my blog. Any suggestions?
See #3. I suck at names.
5. You know I am totally jealous of your designer handbag. Since I don’t actually make any money at blogging, (or in any other way), any suggestions on how to persuade my husband to buy me one? (I don’t know if I want to know the answer to this really.)
Is this a trick question?
6. I don’t know if you saw my blog post that was about how close I was to scoring my first big endorsement deal, but if you didn’t, let’s just say it fell through. The Bloggess suggested I should have asked to be paid in chupacabra feet. Do you feel she’s right? If not, do you have any suggestions on how I could have closed that deal?
I’m not a big fan of chupacabra feet. They’re just one more thing to dust. As for closing the deal, or closing any deal, see my answer to #5. Are you messing with me or what?
7. You have been a big help to me in getting a little more readership going on my blog. Do you regret that?
No. I am always happy to help a fellow blogger out in any way that I can. I was a newbie once myself and in many ways, still am. I’m honored that anyone would even ask me for advice. And who knows? Maybe one day, you’ll hit the big time and get arrested and hauled off to prison for violating some obscure FTC regulation on your blog, and then when you’re interviewed on E! News about how Lindsay Lohan and you are lobbying the prison system for chartreuse jumpsuits, you can wave at the camera and mention my name and explain how I helped you get to where you are and then I can yell WHO’S YOUR DADDY at my family because they never believe me when I brag about knowing semi-famous people.
(This made me pee just a little, it was so funny. So I went to the bathroom and finished going. And then out of curiosity, I looked in the toilet, but it was just plain yellow pee. And now I'm just a little bitter.)
8. Do you regret ever even answering that first email I sent you?
9. So I know you have lost a whole bunch of weight. I’m totally jealous. Since I am having trouble getting my 10 pounds off, do you think I should just wire my mouth shut? (Keep in mind, this will not keep my fingers from typing.)
Wiring my mouth shut did not keep me from mainlining Extra Creamy Cool Whip.
(And this one - I don't know that I'll ever be able to stop laughing! Or look at Extra Creamy Cool Whip the same way ever again!)
10. Any advice on how to get more people to click the like button on my blog? Aside from writing better material?
Make it say CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T GET JUSTIN BEIBER.
(YOU. Are a genius. . .)
11. Gee, I have noticed that all these questions are really all about me. Does that kind of piss you off?
Well, I wasn’t going to say anything until you brought it up. But now that you mention it, yes.
12. When did you realize you were a hit with your blog?
Wait, what? Why am I always the last to know anything?
13. Have you ever been approached about writing a book?
14. If the answer to that was yes, would you write a real life book, or a fiction book?
I’d write a cross between the two. It would be a fic-fac book about how cyber sex allowed me to sleep my way to the top of blog world and how The Pioneer Woman is now creating a nuisance of herself by constantly texting me for photography and cooking tips and for the last time, Ree, I have no idea if scallions or shallots would be better in your potatoes, OK? Get over yourself and keep your calf nuts to yourself. And I’d include the bit about Dooce being all up in my business about guest appearing on my HGTV series and I have to constantly remind her that hello? There’s only so much room on set and between her chin and my ego, where are the rest of us supposed to sit? And this all takes time away from my booty calls with Detective Eliot Stabler and my fittings with Tim Gunn and there are just not enough hours in the day, people. I NEED TIME TO BREATHE IN THE ECSTASY OF BEING ME. Now I just have to figure out what to write for the fiction part.
15. Would you send me a free copy of the book?
Only if you paid me.
(Awesome. I knew you'd send it to me for free. How much?)
16. How long have you been blogging for anyway?
If you ask me, I’d say three years. If you ask anyone else, they’d say OH MY GOD, ISN’T THERE AN ALPACA FARM SOMEWHERE WITH HER NAME ON IT?
(Are Alpaca's related to Chupacabra's?)
17. I am having a hard time coming up with more questions. Would you like to make one up yourself and answer it?
Question: Can I read? Answer: Judging by my answer to #14, which I was only supposed to provide if my answer to #13 was “yes” … no.
18. Besides your own, what is your most favorite blog to read?
This will sound like a cop out but really, there are too many to list. For every Dooce, Pioneer Woman and Bloggess, there are thousands of bloggers who are equally as talented but who haven’t been “discovered” yet. My Google Reader runneth over.
19. What is your favorite blog post you ever wrote? Please include the link so we can all read it.
My favorite is always the one that I haven’t written yet. I’m an eternal optimist. But if I had to pick one I’ve written, I’d probably pick the one about Traci, my best friend. It’s one of my older ones and it’s a classic example of how my brain and fingers suffer from incontinence. I had lunch with Traci the other day and while our lives have certainly changed, our thirty-five year friendship remains the same, except we don’t carve genitalia out of hot dogs anymore. And now I’ve managed to insert the word “genitalia” in this interview
20. I am thinking hard because I didn’t want to end it on question 19. Ummmmm. OK. Got it. The last question is: Are there any toys as a kid you didn’t get that you are still bitter about? I never got an Easy Bake Oven. (sighing wistfully)
I never had an Easy Bake Oven either! Which is probably why I never learned how to cook Greek food which begs the question, how many light bulbs does it take to cook baklava? I did, however, have a Crissy doll. Which reminds me … why would you give your daughter with thin, fine, wispy hair a doll that grows the thickest, shiniest, most luxurious hair in the history of ever? That is seven different kinds of WTF, Mom.
Thanks so much again to Andrea, The Creative Junkie. Didn't I tell you she was awesome? I know she is super busy, and the fact that she took the time out of her crazy days to answer a bunch of ridiculous questions that were, for the most part, not about her, was really awesome. Now go look at her blog!
Happy day folks!