(I'm waiting for the applause and oohs and ahs to die down before I continue.)
(It would have been nice for you all to clap and ooh and ah, you know. . .)
So you all know that I love The Bloggess. And when I started thinking about doing my own form of a written talk show, since I don't have one of my own with my BFF, Yvette, I thought she would be perfect for my first official interview. I wrote her an email and below you will find all the questions I asked her, regardless of whether or not she answered them. If she didn't answer them, you will find my fantasy answer in red. Because let's face it, made up answers are more fun than blanks.
I really give her lots of thanks for doing this because she has a real job, with deadlines and everything. And plus she admits on her own blog that she hardly ever keeps up with her emails, so the fact that she read mine and took time out of her schedule to answer some of my questions was just awesome.
Now. Let's get on with the interview, shall we?
My questions for you are as follows (and remember, if it's in red, then I made up the answer and it is in no way credited to The Bloggess)
1. I know, that you know, that you are the coolest blogger ever. And lots of other people know it too. But that would you say to all those poor schmucks out there who don't know it yet?
I'd say that they are our last hope for humanity.
2. You gave me some very valuable advice regarding endorsement deals. As you may remember, I was this close to closing my first endorsement deal, but alas it fell through. I got to wondering. Since you get paid in chupacabra feet yourself, and since they are so rare, what do you think your estimated net worth is?
In chupacabra feet? I'd say at least 10. It's kind of fluid though.
3. And speaking of chupacabra feet, where do you keep all those suckers? Do they smell bad?
As a matter of fact, they do smell. Really badly. So I have a special freezer that I keep them in. And since they are so valuable and everything, I keep it booby trapped. That's not really true, but I like typing the word booby, because it's funny.
4. Do you have any advice for me regarding my dog? He keeps thinking he's a landscape architect and is constantly pruning bushes. Actually, that's not quite right. He rips out entire azaleas by the roots and leaves them at the front door for us to see. He also likes to play keep away, and that is very frustrating.
I'm probably not the best person to give you dog advice since my last dog-related post was about having to dig up my dead dog so the vultures would stop eating him. I'm pretty sure this makes me very unqualified to even look at dogs.
5. Come to think of it, it's very catlike behavior that my dog is exhibiting. Do you think there's something wrong with him?
I am pretty sure that if your dog is bringing up azaleas and lumber like they are dead animals that there is something wrong with him. I'd say shoot him, but he's not a horse, so I'm afraid you are just stuck with him.
6. Do you have any advice for a novice blogger, like myself, that will help me increase my readership?
Find like-minded sites and comment. Join a community. Write for yourself though because blog popularity is fleeting, flukey and almost completely based on chance.
7. I know you have rheumatoid arthritis, and that absolutely sucks. If you could confront your arthritis as a real person, please describe what you would do/say to said person.
I'm not sure what I'd say but there would probably be a lot of stabbing.
8. Have you ever been accused of stalking anybody?
9. I am going to get to meet Anderson Cooper on February 19. If I somehow get to score an interview with him for my blog, what kinds of questions should I ask him? If he won't agree to an interview, any advice on how to retaliate?
Ask him if he's given any thought to how he'll cover the coming zombie apocalypse.
10. One of the things I was thinking of asking Anderson Cooper was if he could show me where he got hit in the head when he was in Egypt. You know. To prove that it really happened. Is that in poor taste?
I would absolutely ask him to show you where he was hit in the head. If it's not obvious where he was hit, maybe you can offer to give him some kind of scar there so he can show people that one in the future if anyone else asks him about it. That would be a nice thing to do.
11. Can you just say some random thoughts here to make this interview longer? I want a decent sized post. It doesn't have to make sense, because all your followers who read this will love it anyway. Thanks.
(This was the one I was disappointed she didn't answer. I thought it might look something like this:)
12. If you were going to be a contestant for Miss USA, what would be your "thing"? You know, your platform, I think they call it. You know, like world peace, etc.
My greatest wish for the world is for all mean-spirited assholes to stop being so douchey.
13. I have a son who is 4 1/2. I understand your daughter is 6. Would you be interested in an arranged marriage between the two?
(Oh wait. I forgot about this question. Maybe I'm most disappointed that she didn't answer this one. But I am thinking maybe she's considering this one. Either that or she's taking out a restraining order against me and my son as we speak.)
Ummmmm, I'm not sure what to say here. . .
14. I am only posting this question because I didn't want to end the interview on question number thirteen. So I guess I am a little superstitious. Are you? If so, how?
Yes. I'm totally superstitious. Mostly, I'm superstitious about people sending me interviews through email. I don't want to answer them at all, but I'm afraid if I don't, the boogie man will come and get me at nighttime. And then I'd have to hurt him.
Oh wait. one more. . .
15. On your blog page in the "about me" section, you people aren't sexy if they use the word "frustrated". Why is that?
"Frustrated" is fine. "Fustrated" is grounds for strangulation.
And thus ends my very first email interview with The Bloggess. Many thanks to her for taking the time to answer some of my questions. If you would like to be interviewed, please email me at email@example.com. You'll be receiving the same hard-hitting, incredibly intelligent journalistic questions just like I sent The Bloggess. Only they'll be different. Cool, huh?
Happy day, folks!