I do! I don't! I do! I don't!

So, I have been avoiding writing this post.  Because if I avoid it, maybe it won't happen.

But I do want it to happen. 

Don't I?

No.  No I don't. 

No wait.  Yes I do.

OK, here's the deal -

Joshua is starting Kindergarten in less than two weeks.

Oh gosh.  When I say it like that, I get all weirded out.  My insides feel funny.

This is a much bigger adjustment than I thought.

I keep writing very, very short paragraphs.  But maybe that's all I can manage now. . .

(Deep Breathing)

OK.  I'm sobbing like an idiot better now.  See, I never thought I'd be like this.  This is probably a terrible thing to admit to.  And I may have admitted this on my blog before, but if I haven't, and this is the first time you're hearing this, I just want to say one thing:  DON'T. JUDGE. ME.

My admission is, after we first had Joshua, I wasn't all that enthused about being a mom.  Please don't ask me to say that any louder.  But - I had no idea what I was doing.  I didn't think Joshua liked me very much, and to be honest, I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about him.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd have laid my life down for him in a heartbeat, but those day to day feelings?  When all he can do is sleep, eat, poop, or cry?  And I felt like the sleep portion was really lacking on his (and therefore my) part and I'm still bitter about that?  Yeah.  Like I said, I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about him.  And I can remember, particularly in those early days, specifically thinking that went along these lines, "Oh dear God, what in heaven's name am I going to do with this thing until he can go to school?"

Like I said.  DON'T.  JUDGE.  ME.

I really thought that.  With the "thing" in it and everything.  And then, thank goodness, I felt things start to change around 6-7 months or so.  And things were a bit better.  And then at 10 1/2 months, shortly after he started walking, I remember it hit me like a lightning bolt.  I remember it all VERY clearly.  And I was like, "OH MY GOD I WAS MADE TO BE A MOMMY!  I LOVE THIS!!!  I WANT TWELVE MORE!!!"  And thank goodness I didn't tell Jamey, because I can assure you, his head would have popped right off his body the second that came out of my mouth.  And in the end, we only had the one.

But he is a gorgeous little one.  He is my shadow.  I spend a LOT of time with him.  And I enjoy it.  He is funny, and cute, and sometimes a pain, but overall, I really enjoy my son.  And for that, I am blessed.

That said, although I especially love the beginning of every summer and all the fun stuff we do together, around mid-August, I get a bit antsy.  And cranky.  And I actually have looked a little bit forward to preschool starting up again.  So I sort of assumed that I would feel the same when it came time to send him to Kindergarten.

And am I antsy?  Yes.

Am I cranky?  Yes.  (Though Jamey probably doesn't feel like that is different from any other day.)

But the truth is, I am not sure I am ready for Joshua to start Kindergarten.  I am now wondering if I should have held him back.  For me.  Because let's be really clear here.  He is totally ready.  So ready, in fact, that when we went for his conference last fall with his preschool teacher, Mrs. Jackson, the first words out of her mouth were, "Please tell me you aren't holding him back."  And she just verbalized what I already knew.  He was ready.  Don't hold him back.  We would be doing him a disservice if we did.

It really didn't hit me until the last week or two about how the school years are going to play out.  He is going to be gone for a very LARGE portion of my day.  Really.  I am going to be by myself.  I do have a couple of small jobs lined up, but they are only a couple of days a month.  If I can't find any other work, what am I going to DO with myself all day long every day?  It feels very real, and looming over my head.  And I feel my anxiety starting to rise.  Is the anxiety for him?  Or for me?  Or is it the four other personalities I also have in this body arguing with each other again?

He is starting to say he doesn't want to go to school.  I don't want him to go either.  But I do.  But I don't.  But I do.  But I don't.  But I do want him to go.  He is ready, and I know he'll be great.  I just hope mommy will be too.

Happy day folks. . .