Monday, December 13, 2010

I Should NOT Participate in Group Exercise Requiring Coordination. And an Update on My Dad.

First off - update on my dad.  Good news!!!!  He went for his follow-up appointment, and the doctor told him the cancer was in the very, very early stages.  This means no other treatment other than getting a small procedure done every three months for a couple of years.  So very good news.  Thank you so much for all your prayers and positive thoughts.  They meant a lot to me and my family!

OK.  Now.  The reason I am posting so late is simple.  I haven't been able to walk or move most parts of my body since yesterday morning.  Why you ask?  Well it's simple.  Two of my "friends" convinced me to do a class together at our gym.  Notice I put "friends" in these lovely quotation marks.  Because they surely cannot be my friends when they knew what I was about to endure.  They both know I am old.  I am forty-one years old.  They both know that's practically ancient, particularly compared to their cute 34 and 35 year old selves.

Would you like to know what the name of the class is?  I mean, the name itself should have clued me in to what was in store for me.  Are you ready?  OK.  Here it is.  Body Combat.  Hello?  What was I thinking?!?!?  I should never take a class in it that has the word "combat" in it.  That implies, like, major movement.  Like kicking.  And punching.  And growling.  OK, maybe most people weren't growling.  And come to think of it, I wasn't either.  It was more like a low moaning.  As though I were in my final death throes.  But I digress.

So I get there, and my first friend, Sherie arrives.  She and I are similar in body shape.  Now I personally think Sherie's got a cute figure, especially considering she works full-time and has two kids.  But she looks at me and says that since we don't have supermodel bodies, we have to be in the back.  She didn't exactly say it like that, but seriously, that's exactly what happened.  Because then our second friend, Brenna, who is super thin and muscular and all, she comes in.  And instead of getting in the back with us, she stands in front of us.  And I look around and all the super thin cute girls are in front. Except for one grandma.  I'll get to her in a minute.

And then the instructor, Nicole.  She, of course, is super thin and cute and she's got her hands all wrapped up.  Like she's gonna box.  And she asks if anyone is new to the class.  I have to raise my hand.  And she looks at me, and all I can think is, "she's gonna kick my a&%".  Why in the world did I think to raise my hand?  Really?  Did I just do that?

The class starts.  It's like aerobics and boxing, no no.  It's like kick-boxing.  So you have to be coordinated.  And follow a routine.  And I don't get it.  And all I can do is laugh.  And when I laugh, I snort.  Very loudly.  It's quite embarrassing.  Have I ever told you that?  Oops.  I digress again.  So yes, I'm laughing and snorting, and Sherie looks over at me and she is laughing.  At me.  And then after a few minutes, Nicole says something about getting started.  I look over at Sherie and I say, "I'm sorry.  We're gonna get started?  Was that just a warm-up?"  This of course, sends Sherie into hysterics.  I should have gotten sympathy.  Nope.  No sympathy from Sherie.  And Brenna is up front being all into the workout, and doesn't even notice the snorting and hysterical laughing behind her.  No wonder she is so thin.

So then we really get going in the workout.  I'm trying to keep up, but honestly, just as I think I might get what Nicole is talking about, she says, "Now I'm gonna change it up."  And she looks at me every time.  And I smile.  All like, "Oh, yep.  OK, change it up, girlfriend."  When inside I'm thinking, "I have no idea what she's talking about.  Change it up?  I didn't even get the first part!"  But yep.  She changes it up.  I start to look at myself in the mirror hoping that I will "get it."  Instead, all I see is an incredibly uncoordinated, soft in the middle, old lady with a really bad outfit on and a hairdo that could scare small children. 

Then Nicole adds in some "duck and weave" move.  And I watch myself as I do it, and I think, "Dear me.  I'm going to give someone a black eye doing that."  It's just sad.  I look over at Grandma, and I realize that she might even have better form than me.  Oh dear, how pathetic.  Then I feel a bit redeemed when we go to do running man and some other exercise, and then she does look a bit more freakish than me.

Then we are still working out and I wonder what time it is.  So at the very next "break" (lasting about 5 seconds), I glance at the clock.  And we've still got almost 25 minutes of class left!  My smile is still plastered on my face, and Brenna glances back occasionally now.  I'm sure it's because she's seen my face in the mirror and is worried I might have a stroke.  Or maybe she thought I already had a stroke after seeing some of my kick-boxing moves.  But anyway, we finally take a "real break" while we go and get floor mats.  I don't have any idea why we are getting floor mats, but I'm game to go and get one.  Some lucky chick beat us there and she's handing them out.  If I had known that was going to happen, I would have gotten there first.  Even if I'd have had to push her out of the way.  You know why?  I could have hidden back there for the rest of the class.

But no, Sherie did not tell me there was a little hiding place back there.  I bet she knew about it too.  So I get my mat and we walk back over and Sherie keeps giving me looks like "I told you this would kick your behind."  And I'm still smiling, because frankly, I think my face is paralyzed from my "duck and weave" move.  Nicole tells us to get on the floor and I'm hoping it's cool down time.  Wrong.  It's. . .get ready. . .ABS AND ARMS TIME!  WHAT?!?!?!?

Oh yes.  Planks.  Push ups.  Side Planks.  All of the things I detest.  And Sherie and I watch Brenna and she's doing push ups.  And she's on her tiptoes.  And her planks are perfect.  No wonder she's got a flat tummy and muscular arms.  And the reason I could watch her do those push ups?  It's because I've pretty much given up and am lying on my mat.  Waiting for Nicole to come over and shoot me, because, it is Body Combat.  And you should put the people who can't keep up out of their misery.

The class finally ends.  I think I might die.  And cute Nicole comes up to me and says, "So how did you like it?"  My frozen smiley face says, "Oh, it was great.  Definitely going to do it again."  WHAT did I just say? 

So now I have to do this class again.  But my arms hurt.  My back hurts.  My feet hurt.  My right hip hurts.  My smile is still not off my face.  Everything hurts.  I am a good typist, but I started this post this morning, and my fingers were so sore that I had to peck it out, and take multiple breaks in order to finish it.  I think I need to see a doctor about that.  But I said I would do it again.  So I will.  Even though I should absolutely not participate in any group activity that requires any kind of coordination.  Dear lord help everyone in that class.

1 comment:

  1. Your post has me laughing and crying... Laughing because it is hysterical (the sight of us all uncoordinated and awkward in the back) and crying because my arms hurt too. My two favorite moves were the jumping Karate Kid kick and the balance on one leg and kick three times move that I almost fell over doing.... Embarrassing (but fun)! See you there next Sunday. :)


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